CP 233 Definitely not marriagable material... yet!

CP 233 “Definitely not marriageable material – yet!”

Thinking about marriage 5.

This week one of my readers fed back to me a link to an article entitled Marriage isn’t for you. Catchy title. Attention grabbing. It’s about a young man who was in a bit of trouble in his marriage. Went to dad for advice. Dad responded, “Son, marriage isn’t for you!” My instant reaction was that that was brutally blunt on dad’s part, and not at all helpful or easy to hear, even if dad was right. If my dad had said it to me it would have been an arrow shattering a fragile heart.

Of course I needed to read on. His dad’s explanation was that he had been placed in the marriage for the sake of his wife, for his children, and for the community, and for continuation of the community, not for himself. I thought, “Heavy stuff. Sounds sort of right. Not supposed to be selfish. Not a lot of joy in it though.” (And not so impressed when it transpired that the son who wrote the original article had been married for just 18 months. I mean, what would he know? He should talk to veterans like us who have been going for 40-something years! I jest.)

So, as you see, it got me thinking… and remembering a book I have, somewhere on a dusty shelf, with the attention grabbing title of Sex and Love when you’re Single Again. That book, by Thomas F Jones, has a central, captivating idea. (Or should that be ideal.) It’s a simple statement: You shouldn’t get married again, until you don’t need to be married again. There is an undeniable truth here, and it applies also to those getting married for the first time. If I get married with the aim of having my needs met then I will be in that marriage seeking to get rather than give. I’d be in there for my sake, not for the sake of my Rosemarie. I’d be there drawing my life from her humanly limited resources. Yet, I have to admit, with a lot of regret, that is exactly what happened.

I was 21 when I married, and I had needs - deep-seated, unmet, emotional needs for security, affection and acceptance. And I loved Rose so much that I was willing to entrust her with the joyous privilege of meeting all my needs! Lucky her!

I remember, very clearly, after reading that book, (20 years married), realising an uncomfortable truth about myself. I was so ‘needy’ when I married. Therefore I brought all sorts of expectations, desires, demands and controls which imposed near impossible burdens on the beloved. I have sometimes said to myself, with not a little scorn, that, at age 21, I should have been wearing a headband or a T-shirt with the words, “Definitely not marriageable material – yet”.

You know, I reckon all of us are tarred with that ‘using’ brush. It’s impossible for any of us to be clean-of-self in regard to our needs and motivations. Bringing our personal ‘self’ agendas is inevitable. We are children of Adam and Eve. The spiritual genetics play out every time. It’s about I and me, me and my, I, me, my and me.

However, however, however, undeniably, we were married. We vowed to be faithful to each other and the Lord promised to be faithful to us. We are still married. We are still ‘engaged’ if you know what I mean. We have been blessed out of our socks with a freedom to forgive which echoes his freely-given forgiveness. His grace, love and mercy has been transforming us along the way. We have learned better how to live out of our Lord’s unlimited resources. He’s been drawing out the lies we’ve carried in our heads and hearts, and establishing his truths in those vulnerable and sacred places. He’s a stake-holder and he has not let go.

My conclusion? The Lord draws us into these relationships, knowing just what we bring, who we are, and what we are like, and deliberately, and strongly, and mostly gently, keeps us there. And by his Holy Spirit he turns our marriages into little workshops as part of his transforming purposes for us. And to recall the thoughts of an American preacher, (name unremembered), whenever we experience marital Good Fridays, there will always follow marital Easter Sundays!

Be blessed in Jesus, Lord and Christ, healer and sustainer.

Fred